TV News and Reviews @ KickAssTV.com

I am really digging “The Chelsea Handler Show” on the E! Channel. After seeing the titular star on about 5,000 E! “Top Whatever List” shows, I sort of got the hang of her comic stylings before she even got her own show. True to form, Chelsea Handler is as rough and thumble and insanely funny on her show as she was on those stupid list shows.

Holy crap, Elias Koteas just walked onto the set of “House” and shot House in the stomach than put a second round in his head. Or in the direction of his head. Oh hell yeah! Now I remember why I love this show.

One day late, but not out, baby! So Bierko has gotten himself a sub full of missiles and he’s gonna be firing them off at American cities, the Russian bastard. It’s up to Jack (of course) and a lone surviving crewman onboard the sub to go all “Die Hard” on the Russian separatists. But oops, looks like our Bruce Willis wannabe only has a teeny bitty knife as a weapon. Yikes. Plus, he’s like, 5 years old or sumthin’, which means Jack’s gotta literally talk him through cutting a guy’s throat. Oooh, fatherly!

Can you believe this? I was so looking forward to today’s “24″ season finale that it completely slipped my mind this was a 2-hour episode, so I didn’t get in until 3 minutes into hour two. Which means, of course, that I immediately turned the channel to NBA basketball so I don’t ruin the first hour that I missed. This means I’m going to have to download an episode from the net and watch it just so I can review it for you kiddies. The bad news is that it’s going to take at least a day to download, but the good news is that I’ll at least have some screenshots for you guys. Bah, I’d rather see it live, though…

Okay, so I’ve been on something of an E! Channel binge today, and ran across a new/old episode of “Child Star Confidential”, basically a “Whatever Happened To…” type show about former child stars and their problems. But the most interesting thing about the show? Every episode is compiled completely from old E! interviews of the former child stars being profiled for that particular episode. The whole thing is basically some editors in a stock vault grabbing interviews and making episode topics around them!

The E! Channel is known primarily as a shit network, but every now and then they play some pretty good stuff. (If you haven’t been watching it, “The Chelsea Handler Show” is frigign awesome.) They’re playing their True Hollywood Story marathon, and the one I caught was for “Who’s The Boss” — it’s about almost over, in fact. Man, those people had some big hair!

Check it out, kids, the trailer for the “Aquaman” TV show, which was supposed to be a spin-off from the Superman show “Smallville” by the same guys. It never got picked up for the new WB network the CW, but might (and I stress might) show up later as a mid-season replacement, which if it happens, would mean Fall or thereabouts. Mid-season pick-ups are shows that replace under-performing shows already on the schedule.

Watch out, Miles, Jack’s coming for you!

Ooops, too late!

“I’m sorry, Karen, my intelligence was faulty,” says Not-Bush President Logan. The “24″ writers are too keen for words, boys and girls. Hee hee.

(Speaking of which, how funny is that Real-Bush pre-empted about 30 minutes of this 2-hour Fox block? Har har. Coincidence, are serendipity? You figure it out.)

The escape is on - Now!

On the run, on foot, and chased by a pissed off Bellick, the prison break gang are trying to keep from killing each other before they reach Abruzzi’s parked plane and take off for Mexico. Then Abruzzi pulls a gun and T-Bag, being the resourceful serial killer that he is, quickly snaps handcuffs around himself and Michael. No!!!!!!!!!

The President is going to shoot down Jack Bauer and a bunch of civilians on a plane. Oh hell no!

And here’s some good news: Secretary Heller survived his moonlight swan dive!

Ah, look, “24″ just totally pulled a “S.W.A.T” by landing that plane on the freeway! Heh heh, dumbass President Logan is in a world of shit now.