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“Prison Break” is back, biotches!!!

The premiere opens with some mysterious figures in a smoky room running down names of the escapees. Some notes: They mention that Not-Hilary Hilary is now the President and Michael is named the prison break mastermind. It appears The Conspiracy is going to sic the bespeckled man after the Prison Break Gang.

The guy from “Invasion” (the one with the creepy eyes) plays an FBI agent leading the manhunt (much to Warden Pope’s consternation and Bellick’s piss-off-ternation), and goes on some spiel about John Wilkes Both (the dude who shot Lincoln). He seems pretty sure he’ll catch them. Sucka! Oh yeah, he’s also looking at our lovely Dr. Sara. Damn you, leave Sara alone…especially since she’s in a friggin coma. Oh, Sara… Don’t worry, she wakes up pretty quickly into the premiere.

Wait, you say, what’s happened to our one-arm bandit, T-bag? He’s found himself some campers and steals their cooler, just like Yogi the bear. If Yogi had a screwdriver and was willing to shove it in your eye, that is. And yes, there is a reason he stole the cooler. Heh heh. T-bag is awfully attached to that hand of his. (Get it? “Attached”? I kill me.)

As for Veronica, she discovers that finding Hilary’s brother (who is supposed to be dead, remember) is actually not. But that’s the least of her problems. Finding Hilary’s bro was easy, it’s getting out that’s hard. Don’t let the door close behind you, Veronica! Noo!!!!!!! Oops. Not that it matters. Once again, Veronica’s subplot is the least interesting of all the bunch. Fortunately we don’t spend too much time with her, Thank God.

As for our prison break gang, Michael lets Lincoln know that there is a Plan B, and those tattoos are, once again, the clue. But the FBI guy with creepy eyes is smarter than we know; he soon discovers the secrets of the tattoos. Smart guy. Or, to be exact, unbelievably smart. He figures out all of Michael’s plans by random strokes of serendipitous luck. Give me a break. It’s all way too unbelievable, but then again, so is the entire first season!

Meanwhile, the vile Bellick is determined to capture the gang, and even takes a pop shot at Michael with a shotgun. He misses, though. What a loser. He should stick to threatening strippers instead, the putz.

And need I say it? Robert Knepper (T-Bag) is friggin awesome. This guy can make Shakespeare interesting, and Shakespeare is friggin’ dull. His quest to reattach his hand is just awe-inspiring. Knepper should be given every acting award ever made.

An outstanding premiere, the kind that will keep fans and non-fans coming back next week in droves. FOX has outdone itself. With “24″ and “Prison Break”, it’s turning out to be the network for kickass TV shows.